Infertility Anonymous: A Journal

I woke up this morning too early. I felt like there was so much for me to do. Between the huge pile of dishes waiting for me in the sink, and the full to the brim laundry baskets. Both of which, have been sitting there for days, just staring at me, but I genuinely couldn’t cope any longer and I knew I had to get it done. The thing is, when I do these tasks I like to get lost in my thoughts. It’s almost enjoyable. But lately-there’s nothing I want to do more than avoid my thoughts…so the dishes and the laundry continued to sit.

My husband and I were able to go to our neighborhood plant sale. We wait for these couple of days every year. I was scared my husband was going to try to back out (he’s not a morning person), but right at 8:30 he was up and ready to get in the car. I didn’t realize how much I needed that. So we went, bought a bunch of plants and even though it’s extremely gray outside, threatening to rain on us-I started potting up our loot. In total I think I repotted 7 plants, and I realized that my mind was clear. Only once did I think about infertility, and it came out as a question directed at my husband “are you angry about our infertility?”. I didn’t expect him to answer with anything I could relate to, but I wanted to know-I think I was hoping he would say yes, But he didn’t. His overly logical brain doesn’t let him. Instead he said “why would I waste time on being angry? It’s nothing that we can change-it’s our reality”. And I know he’s right, but you can be mad at reality too.

It’s still gray out. It hasn’t rained yet. And I did the dishes.