Infertility Anonymous: A Journal

This week was infertility awareness week. It also happened to be the week that my husband and I went to our first appointment at the fertility/reproductive clinic. April 22nd. Tuesday night I barely slept, and then Wednesday leading up to our appointment at 2:30 PM, I could barely drink water. I was so nervous-terrified even. I don’t really know what I was expecting, but walking into the clinic I felt a sense of relief…and then when I sat down I noticed a bulletin board. It had balloons around it, orange balloons. I kind of hate the color orange. But the board said “we’re on this journey with you” and then there were heart shaped post-it notes that had encouraging words on them like “we are strong, we are brave!” and “it’s okay to complain about how much this sucks”. It wasn’t until I read the one that said “we’re stronger than we think” that I lost it a little. For me, that means I teared up, my throat got all itchy and scratchy and tight, and only a few tears were shed. I felt proud in that moment that I didn’t completely breakdown, but now, I kind of wish I had. I was allowed to feel sad, angry and disappointed. I just didn’t want to freak my husband out-I didn’t want him to know how those supportive words had the opposite effect.

The appointment itself went well. The doctor and the nurses we met were incredibly kind. I think you kind of have to be to be in that field, right? The doctor asked me about my history, my PCOS, and then went on to say how “PCOS is heavily impacted by stress, did you have any stressful things? Does that feel true for you?” I couldn’t keep it together at that point. I had to share that for for the past four years my parents have told me how much they hate my husband-they don’t approve of him. We got married in 2024 and I wasn’t even sure they were going to be there for that, I kind of didn’t want them to be. Only now are we finally coming back into each other’s lives-but now I’m so guarded. My therapist says I have PTSD? So yeah I cried. I cried mostly because I’m so angry that my parents’ disapproval, and hateful words could have so much influence on me, down to my fertility. Like, what the fuck? They took away what was supposed to be my most joyous days, and now somehow they’ve weirdly even taken away my fertility? Make it make sense. I obviously know that there are many other factors contributing to my infertility, but this is the one thing that quite honestly I’ll never get over. It might be bad, but I think of a world without my parents in it and it seems better, easier. Maybe you can relate?

So yeah, I cried a couple of times at the appointment. I managed to mourn both the loss of the relationship with my parents and the loss of the idea of what starting a family would look like. Grief really ebbs and flows. But I left feeling hopeful. Scared, but hopeful that there is a path for us and I think that’s what infertility week is all about-acknowledging the struggle, but offering some hope as well. I hope everyone, no matter where you are on this path, felt seen this week in whatever way you’re comfortable with. For me, the shadows feel right for now.